The Space of Being in Allowance for Other People’s Choices
There are so many amazing tools in Access Conscious that have and continue to help me in every area of my life and I am hugely grateful for that.
The tool I’m going to talk about today is:
Being in Allowance of other people’s choices.
I used to find it so easy to see where other people were getting it wrong.
I’d see what’s stopping them, what’s holding them back, what’s causing them pain and want to jump in and help them.
I’d want to take the pain away, remove the blockages – rip away boulders with my bare hands if necessary – so they could move more freely into where they said they wanted to go.
Especially when it came to my kids.
Even after they’d grown into independent adults, I’d still be doing my best to help them make the right choices.
If they ran out of money, I’d pay their way, lend them money I didn’t have and do my best to take away their pain.
That’s a mother’s job, isn’t it?
There was no question in my world.
When I went to my first Foundation Class and learnt about how everything is choice.
Even the crap that shows up.
And how no matter what is showing up in someone’s life, on some level they have chosen it.
My Noble intentions to save everyone in the world, I discovered, was making myself the saviour and them the helpless victim… otherwise known as Superior Bitch behaviour.
Me trying to take their problems away for them, no matter how noble my intentions (or how superior I was being) without their invitation or consent.. was not a contribution to them.
What if they weren’t wrong or broken for choosing what they’d chosen?
What if they’ve created it in their lives for a purpose that had nothing to do with me?
Often in the past I’d do everything I could to take away another person’s problem, even at great cost to me in time, health, energy or money (or all of the above)… only to discover they’d re-created the problem, pain or burden in a different way.
Whatever was showing up in their lives was theirs and it was also their choice to change it and choose beyond.
Not my business.
Not my problem.
Even if I cared deeply about them.
Even if their choices led to illness and even death.
Their life. Their choice.
I could ask them questions.
I could invite them to a different possibility.
But I couldn’t be vested in the outcome. I couldn’t make them choose what I wanted for them, what I thought was right for them.
It didn’t mean I had to like their choices.
It didn’t mean I had to stick around them or be a doormat while they made their choices.
All I had to do was be in allowance of their choices.
I had to let go of my judgement that they were making the wrong choice.
I had to let go of my judgement that they needed to make the right choice.
I had to let go of my projections and expectations of what I wanted for them or the so much more that I knew they were capable of.
I had to lower my barriers.
I had to stop resisting and reacting to their choices.
Or aligning and agreeing with everyone who made them wrong.
It was a totally different way of being for me.
At first it was haaard.
I wanted so much more for them than they seemed to want for themselves and it felt like I was abandoning them and being a bad person for not jumping in and helping.
It went against everything I’d always believed in to step back, let go of all of the above, hold the space of allowance and simply ask questions.
Yet in that space of allowance I discovered a strange kind of magic.
My being in allowance instead of trying to “fix” things was an honouring of them.
A recognition and acknowledgement that they had the power in their lives.
That they could use their power (choice) to stay as they were or change their situation, at any time and in any way they chose.
Being in Allowance created space for new possibilities.
Especially with my children.
It’s created a space of ease with my children where they get the sense that I really do have their back, regardless of what they choose.
They don’t have to get it right.
They don’t have to have or be or do anything that they think I think they should do.
No hidden agendas or underlying emotional blackmail. Totally unconditional relationship. Space of Allowance.
And it’s made my life easier too.
Now that I’m no longer trying to carry everyone else’s burdens and take on everyone’s problems, my life has lightened up and there’s room for more fun and laughter and more of me.
Especially when I’m being in Allowance of me too.
How does it get any better than that?
If you would like to find out how these tools can change things in your life, I invite you to a free 30min call with me: Book your space by clicking here